Recovery

Recovery never seems to be easy. One moment, you are feeling fine and the next moment, you feel like your whole world is crumbling down. Just as I thought, maybe I could, just maybe last more than 2 months being clean. It never seems to work out for me. Relapse happens again and again. Mental breakdown happens again and again. Trying to be happy yet it seems that I don't deserve it. ' If this carries on, you will only be more scars than skin, steph ' I tried and I am tired. I have no motivation to save myself anymore. All these thoughts are killing me, suffocating me, barely breathing. I am mentally exhausted by all these thoughts 'kill yourself, lie, smile, laugh more, be happy, death' Maybe one day, scissors will be for paper again. Maybe one day razors will be for shaving again. Maybe one day cutting will be arts and craft again. Maybe one day sadness will be temporary.

i wish it didn't hurt
i wish i didn't care
i wish i was happy
i wish i was pretty
i wish i was different
i wish i didn't exist

What a perfectly wasted good, clean wrist. - Disasterology, Pierce the Veil.

Sleep     Coffee
Food      cigarettes
Friends  books
Life        emptiness

" They promised that dreams can come true but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too"

"Last night i dreamt that somebody loved me. No hope, No harm, If it only was reality. "

STA - RP

To be honest, im so glad that i actually did signed up for STArt camp. I got to know super amazing & nice SLs (student leaders) like Mel, Javier & Luqman. They are really friendly & nice to be around with. And they were the ones that helped all of us to bond together. (that helped me alot for someone who doesnt have a single friend in rp) Mel got the members in the group to talk esp the girls. Luqman helped the group to be hyped up. Javier cared for us 24/7 like never ending, just like a mom. And ofc this wont happen without district 3, diyana, dhash, asheera, yanling, xianning, mc, kaiser, farhan & jiayi. Even thou all of us were awkward with each other at first but now its like... a thing to be around them in sch. & we got to bond with grp 4 & got the circle of friends even bigger.
during FOP, all of us wanted to be in the same team & also get the same SLs but ofc that didnt happened. Thats where i met other SLs (Sheqal, Felicia & Erlynna) & new group of friends. Even thou we were all in different team, somehow or rather, all of us ended up together playing, making jokes & eating. i have to admit that im really grateful to all the SLs & Club G for preparing the STArt camp, i think without them, i wouldnt enjoy FOP that much & also regretting coming to RP.
(RP wasnt my first few choice tbh & like i was worried that i couldnt fit in well or like get along with my classmates or even enjoy going school. I was upset when i know that the next 3 years i am gonna spend in RP when i recieved the results for posting. and instantly hated the fact that all my friends arent gonna be there with me. & the fact that my friends are also telling me not to go rp & i should retake my o's. But right now, i dont think i made a wrong choice. I met all these people that is gonna help me to go through my poly life. and also met few of the coolest & nicest seniors i can ever have.)
ps: i did a small note for my SLs & they said they what did they do to deserve this. Just your existence solely enough to deserve such things. you spent days just to plan camp & run the camp & be there with us & thats more than enough to deserve us :') i wish they can feel more appreciated for their efforts
I really just wanna thank my SLs (D3 - Luqman, Mel & Javier) (FOP TEAM 16 - Sheqal, Erlynna & Felicia) for making the decision of going rp a good one :')

STArt camp'16

Tbh, i wasnt looking forward to camp cause the fact that i have no friends in that sch. And the fact that i am 24/7 awkward. But well, it turns out fine (even thou it was still awkward at first) I think its because of the SLs who have made it fun🎉 and thankfully, i made new friends :) camp was fun, enjoyable, awesome and also a good platform to make new friends before sch starts and also FOP starts😂 thanks district 3 & also the 3 SLs (javier, mel & luqman) for making it fun 👌🙆