Barely into the new year and I had shit going on in this fucked up life. But when all of that happened, and I was desperately in need of someone's comfort, you saw through my lie and comforted me. I didn't believe in anyone who would never fulfill this "lie" that everyone says, "I will be there whenever you need" till I met you as my best friend.
It was going to be 12 midnight soon and you had school the next day bright and early. And that day itself, you had classes till late in the night but yet instead of resting at home, you came out to accompany me, ensure that I was okay, comforted me and fulfilled "I will always be there for you". I told you I was going to be fine yet you said you wanted to make sure that I was really fine. I told myself that I should stay strong in front of you, just smile and just have a short chat before going off yet the moment I met you, you held your arms open towards me just like always but I started crying uncontrollably when I was suppose to smile as usual. We sat at the playground and I kept on crying but yet you never once let me go. I never knew I was this broken and empty till I finally cried in front of someone, especially you. I talked about what happened, you sat there silently beside me, listening. I started crying, you comforted me silently beside me, patting my head. Because of you, here I am right now.
Then it was this week's feels that hit me so hard. My aunt passed away so it wasn't exactly the week for me. Because of the preparation for her funeral, I was unable to often check my phone and as usual, I was the last one who found out that something happened to you. I texted you to ask what happened but like who you always are, you never told me the real problem. So after that night that it was my turn to stay up for the entire night to look after my aunt's funeral, on the way back in the car, I thought what exactly am I doing in your life. I was so tired but yet I couldn't stop thinking. I wasn't there at your worst when you were for mine. I wasn't able to comfort you when you did. I wasn't able to make you laugh when you did. I wasn't able to help you lessen any trouble but only add on. Then at this exact point, I actually felt physically empty that I don't even know why I started crying. I cried and cried but I couldn't pin-point the reason why am I crying. It just that I feel so empty on the inside that my physical body felt it too and wasn't able to withstand that pain. Then at this moment I knew I probably have taken your kindness for granted.
ps: if you ever read this, don't text me and tell me that I was ever good enough or anything cause truthfully, I am not. I know you are suffering as much as me and even twice as much as me but you never ever voice it out like me. And because of that, I felt that I was such an attention whore that just couldn't take reality. Maybe whatever the others said about me was real, they were fast enough to notice how horrible a person am I.
