女强人?¿

终于明白了什么叫 "女强人"

自己在家里吐的要死要活 然后又发烧 身体虚弱 想吃点东西还是什么都要靠自己

伤心时 其实想哭 却在笑
生气时 其实想闹脾气 却太幼稚 所以选择沉默
生病时 其实想要有人照顾 却要装自己很强
难受时 其实想说出来 却放弃 因为也不能改变

现在觉得自己也其实没那么坚强

因为只有自己知道自己到底有过得好不好

伤心时 就躲在被子里哭
生气时 就对自己狠一点
生病时 就自己照顾自己
难受时 就自己安安静静过

我累了.

React ?¿

Feeling so drained out with so many things due to myself. Why myself? Because I have a very bad and short temper ; I'll get angry easily and shows it all on my face. I detest that part of me so much ; so much that I wished I can just disappear.

Whenever someone points that fact out, it actually gets to me cause I hate myself for it but I am trying. I am trying not to get angry easily. I am trying to stay calm instead of showing temper. I am trying so hard that it literally drains my energy out.

Someone who knows me well told me recently that my temper got better. I no longer give reaction to what bullshit is faced. But yet she asked why I stop reacting to those bullshit. It's not that I stop reacting but I guess sometimes it's better to just keep quiet instead of fighting back.

I learnt that even if I react, it won’t change anything, it won’t make people suddenly love and respect me, it won’t magically change their minds. Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from.

🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

Torture

The past few weeks were torturous.

 // Someone commented on my lifestyle and it got me triggered so badly. He said " how can I task anything to you when you spent your whole night not sleeping but drinking? What if you ruin the whole thing? " Honestly, I was heartbroken to hear that from someone whom I was once close to.

Yes. Drinking is bad. Not sleeping is bad. Combination of both and going work directly is worse. But I did it. I didn't take MC last minute. I did everything perfectly still without any mistakes. Is just I lost my feel of touch. I got it that you were worried because when I got burned by the oven yet I still have no reaction till someone mentioned my arm is burning red. But why? Why do you have to say it this way... as if I am not worth a single thing.

 Nobody apologize to me for making the monster I am now. Why do I have to apologize of who I am now just because you disliked it. The pain, the suffering and everything I have been through is not what you have been through. I don't need you to stand in my shoes to understand what I am going through but please don't comment on my lifestyle when you know nothing about me. Because of your words, endless of nightmares with sleepless nights and finally a mental breakdown. I lost my motivation to work due to your words and all the hard work I did before were all gone just because of my performance that week was bad as this is reality of our society. All the good will never be remembered as long as you did 1 wrong thing.

 // Thank you for your feelings. Thank you for loving someone like me. Thank you for trying to save someone like me. Thank you for trying non-stop for someone like me. Thank you. I appreciated it. But I am sorry. I am not capable to love someone else right now when I can't even love myself right at all. Someone who loves you won't make you feel this way so please, someone will love you but that someone isn't me.

 I have been wanting to tell you this but I won't text you. So I'll leave here cause I no longer want to give you any expectation when I am not capable to fulfill any. " I am sorry for that day. I chose to show my true self to you and you couldn't handle it. Those are the days you will have to face non-stop if we were ever together. Please don't tell me you can and stuffs cause that day was a good example of reality between us. So please give up on me. I am not that good at all for you. And don't tell yourself you are not good enough for me or whatsoever. I don't have to heart to accept you and end up hurting you just because I have not recover fully from before. I am not going to put my past mistakes with my ex on you cause you have no reason to be the one paying the price for the mistakes he have done to me. Please move on without me. Thank you for your feelings. Sorry if I have gave you any hopes. And I am sorry that I hurt you. "

 This has been on my mind so long. And seeing all the post you probably posted due to me... hurts. I am sorry.

 // to those close to me. I am trying. Please don't give up on me. Sorry that I may push you away and then ask you back again. Thank you to those who didn't left still since secondary school. I am trying to figure out myself and in this process, if I hurt any of you, I am sorry. Please hang on with me. Thank you :"). 

Burden

It seems to be something wrong with me. But is not like there's a legit problem with myself too.

I told one of my bestfriend this " can i be a burden to talk to " in the middle of the night cause I feel bad for bothering him. And he said " you know you will never be a burden to me right? "

So today, another of my bestfriend jokingly requested for a cake from me and then said " i am joking. I dont want to be a burden ". And this time, I am the one who replied " you will never ever be a burden to me "

Feeling so dumbfounded when one of my own bestfriends said something thats exactly the same as me to another of my bestfriend. Like whats wrong with helping your own friends? Or like is it wrong to accept help?

Why does it seems that I am willing to help others but it never seems to be right for myself to be help by others ?¿? I am such a weirdo. It just seems to me that I am never good enough to be at a level to bother others without thinking that I am a hassel // burden or apologizing for bothering others when they help me. Thats why it hurts me so badly when one of them leaves me cause I am willing to go very far just for any of them but it will never seems enough cause someone else better will come along and replace me.