Never good enough

The older I grow, the more harsh reality I see. I no longer see where I stand in my own future, no longer know what I wanted for my own future. Right now, at this very moment, everything seems so dark. The reason behind this darkness is because of the people around me and not about me myself any longer.

The people that are blood related to me are constantly telling me how useless I am, how pathetic I am to be pursuing such stupid industry (pastry). As fake as I am in my workplace right now, I have to be that fake at home now too. I finally lost my strength to even have a breakdown anymore. I feel so drained and tired mentally that it is affecting me physically. And I have self-harm issues since I don't remember. They told me this that actually stayed in my mind 24/7 365 days right now; 

" It would have been easier for everyone if you killed yourself so why not do yourself and me a favor by killing yourself now " 

To actually hear that from someone who is blood related, from someone who is your family, from someone who is actually your mum and having your dad standing aside and keeping quiet. I no longer know what am I doing or why am I still alive even. I tried so hard, I tried. After so long, I got GPA 4.0 and was listed in Chairman Award for being top 5% but yet it is still not good enough to satisfy them. How do I become good enough.. can someone tell me...? It is killing me from inside and maybe soon, maybe, it will too late for everything. 

Right now, at this very moment, even I, myself thinks that I am not good enough for my damn self. 

   

it's okay

it's okay steph, it's okay.
you were never loved by them.
you were never wanted by them.
you were never needed by them.
your existence was a mistake.
let them blame you.
let them scold you.
let them hate you.
because you will never ever good enough in this family.
maybe you should have disappear or die at least it will be a happier world for you.
it's okay steph, it's okay.

Shy

Recently, I think I have found a bunch of friends that I really wanna cherish them. But good things always come to an end. Just another 2 more weeks, everyone is off for their internship and get busy in the different hotels or cafes. Sorry for not being honest when I am with you guys as I am quite bad with speaking my mind out therefore, I'll write this out here. 

Thank you for being by my side even though I may be asshole all the time and a kind person once in a while. Thank you for accompanying me throughout this 1 year (?). There may be fun times and bad times but you stayed all with me. Sorry guys, I am shy to tell you guys word for word in face but at the very least, I'll leave this on my blog.

Nurul: Thank you for always understanding me especially during the time when  I was depressed and still self harming. You always gave me time and allow me to open up slowly. Thank you for that and also fangirling with me over BTS.

Stephanie: Ew, You are the most gross person but I still love you. Thank you for standing by me throughout this period of time when it was really tough. I am sorry for always venting my anger on you but thankfully you will always brush it off and still talk to me and cheer me up. And also during the preparation for EC, you always stay back with me even though you can go home early. I'll miss you when you go back to Indonesia.

Nicolette: After my best buddy left (peifen), you were always there for me. No matter how much I yelled,  how much I cursed, how much I disturb you, you always stayed. Throughout this period of time,  you are willing to follow with me and stand by my side even though I wasn't a good in-charge. You mean quite a lot right now in my life for always listening to me and going along with my bullshits and risky things that might get us into trouble. I am glad that we are close right now cause without you, I probably wouldn't be as happy as I am right now and is always having fun with you :) lots of love big sister

James: thank you so much for being my listening ear throughout this period of time. Thank you for always allowing me to disturb you whether in school, in kitchen or  even during your event, I am always asking you to get lost due to my mood swings but at the end of day, you always understand me and make me laugh. I appreciate that :) And also playing along with my lame jokes all the time.  And on a side note, I am Hui Yi :)  please remember to be nice to me on 30th alright :))

Pastry Team will always be my first and my last. I love yall and thank you so much for being there.

Pastry Team: thank you for hanging on with me and following after me even though I was such a screwed up person. Thank you for willing to do and work under me even though I am the youngest but without you guys, I am nothing too. 

DPB1016S/DPB0417I: Whether we are friends or not, whether we like each other or not, I am  still grateful for being able to finish our Event Catering smoothly. Hope the best for you guys too :)

insane

Recently, I think I have finally reached my limit and over the edge of remaining sane already. It's been so long since I have ever felt this again, being forced to a corner or being forced over the edge ever since poly days.

This is the first time I felt so helpless with the issue on hand. I always managed to find some sort of solution or way out for myself to remain sane but this is the only time, I couldn't. I thought I could hold on, I thought I could hang on a little longer, I thought things will get better. Little did I thought that this could drive me insane. 

What am I suppose to do to entertain you?
What am I suppose to do so I can satisfy you?
What am I suppose to do so I don't offend any sides?
What am I suppose to do to ensure both sides are happy?
What am I suppose to do for you guys when I am so tired? 

Can I take a break?
Can I take a breathe?
Can I just stop doing everything?
Can I just leave?
Can I just give up?
Can I just disappear? 

I get it. I am here to live my life and not to entertain/satisfy people. I get this. But how do I continue when the same people telling me this are the ones that I have to satisfy. Whenever I think that I am finally healing, finally recovering, it will always not be that case. 

"Can you don't be so angst"                         "anything let us know"
"Can you don't talk like that"                        "you need help, tell me"
"Can you don't waste my time"                     "don't stress yourself"
"Can you talk nicer"                                    "don't overthink"
"Can you don't show temper"                        "hard on you"

Can you this, can you not. I also don't know. I am not that perfect like you guys think I am. I have my own temper and I know it myself and it's not like I am not changing but it just seems my efforts have never ever be enough. Yes, I am trying to be a better me, I am trying to change my temper, I am trying to talk in a nicer way, I am trying to act like I am happy but in actual fact I am not. Am I still not trying to change just to satisfy your god damn needs? Please, please give me some time to change to someone that is better. Don't expect me to change within a few days when I am who I am that has been created throughout my 18 years. 

Changes?

There were so many things on-going in my head. I think and think and think but nothing seems to come out as an answer for me. How do I change myself so that I would finally stop getting hurt over small little things. 

Someone once told me this, "You seem to treasure your friendship a lot which I don't know if it's a good or bad thing. It's good that friends really mean some important value to you but i guess you become too over attached to the friendship? I hate to say this but he probably don't think you as his best friend." 

Let's be honest, I was kinda offended and upset when I first heard it but he was right. I felt like I was so needy over the friendship but obviously the other party doesn't think the same way as I did. Then I tried, I listened to his advice. "Don't go the extra mile ; You don't owe him anything ; Answer when that person needs help" I did not start the conversation first. I did not tried to contact that person in any way. And spot on, he did not notice anything nor did he notice I was not texting him anymore. Then I found myself in denial. I was never his best friend. It was all just me alone. After a good 2 weeks of just concentrating myself, he drop a text on one of my social media and I found myself having the urge to text him and talk to him about the issue but I remembered, if he needed me, if I was even important, if I was even a best friend, he would have texted me instead of dropping a text on my social media. 

Sometimes, you just need to let loose. Take a good 1 week break (at least) just to concentrate on yourself, your health, your mental health and your happiness. And you'll finally find the answer to the issue. The answer was obvious but you were just too caught up with everything about everyone that you have forgotten about yourself so you missed out a whole lot of things. It wasn't easy but I am proud to say that I found my own inner peace with the same old issue. 

Tired

I am tired.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Tired of trying.
Tired of being one sided.
Tired of being tired.
Tired of our friendship.
Tired of us.
Tired of you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
They said you were worth holding on and I agreed with that.
They said you are such a caring friend and I agreed with that.
They said I am blessed to have you and I agreed with that.
They said they wish they had someone like you and I agreed with that.
They said you are my best-friend and I agreed with that.
But when
They asked how are you, I don't know.
They asked what are you doing, I don't know.
They asked if I know what happened to you, I don't know.
---------------------------------------------------------------
All the questions I want to ask you.
Do I matter?
Do you care?
Do you need me?
Do you want me to get lost?
Do I even exist in your life?
Are we still best friends?
Are we even friends?
Am I a bother?
What am I to you?
---------------------------------------------------------------
I am so tired of going through this again and again. Even if it doesn't get on your nerves, it gets on mine. I am so sick of always trying my best to talk to you but yet you don't seem to even care or bother to reply me? I am tired of this whole thing. Is this so called "bestfriends" If it is so, then let's just stop this whole play thing. As much as I love to have you in my life, I love to ask you get lost in my life right now. I am always trying. Trying to know more about you. Trying to be there for you. Trying my best as a best friend should. Trying to talk to you. Trying to make sure you are fine. But it just seems to me that whatever I tried doing is just useless. This is really the final time and thats it. I am giving up on us. Oh, wait, sorry, us don't even exist, all along it was just me and my problems and you helping me for the sake of helping.

Simplest form of happiness

Honestly, I don't understand this quote "Happiness can come in the simplest form". Like, what do you mean by simplest form? Is there some complicated form of happiness or what? I asked a few people, in their perspective, what do they think of this quote in terms of their understanding. And I got this back,

" Happiness is derived from even the smallest of things. You can be happy that the day started out alright; you can be happy for the safety in our country; you can be happy for the food you have on your plate. It doesn't take much to be happy, you just have to have the right mindset to be happy! :) "

" It gives a perspective we don't usually perceive. People think happiness comes only after you do great things but no, little things can bring joy too. // From the small things we do we can always find a little happiness in it"

" There is no definite way to make someone happy. Also, happiness can come in many different ways for eg waking up in the morning can make me happy thinking that I could live another day. Looking at someone can be happy. Eating a 60c ice cream can make me happy. Saying hi can also make one happy. Like in a way, its how you perceive happiness. If just a simple action can make you happy, something like that to my point of view. "

I stated a few of them but honestly the first reply made a deep impression for me. Like happiness can come to you in every single little form you think that doesn't matter that much; happy for the food you have on your plate. Like it doesn't have to be you did something life changing that it affects you positively so you are happy about it. I don't get this idea of teens nowadays think that only being in a relationship, being rich or having everything you wanted in your life then that means you have happiness? Like there's some sort of terms and conditions before you are entitled to have happiness. And like the 3rd reply I have, " There is no definite way " happiness can come in every possible form that you least expected to or expected to.

Till 18, I could finally understand the meaning behind this quote. Maybe I was too hard of myself, maybe I was just too focused on materialistic stuffs, just maybe. The past few weeks, working in school and hanging out with my close friends made me understand this. Simply just frying churros or preparing cake for sales or even making pancakes for each other for breakfast with my classmates is happiness. They are the reason why I looked forward to school (apart from waking up at 5am) Meeting my bestfriend-s, my close friends or my juniors over a drink, over a meal or even teaching them how to bake a cake while I get a homecooked meal in return is happiness. The last person that made me fully understand this quote was my bestfriend, He dropped me a text near midnight,  just a text to show concern " You feeling better? " I mean sure, this is just a text, why are you happy over it? Like society have made us forgotten how small little things actually matters and makes you happy and not those materialistic stuffs such as bouquet of roses, expensive gifts and shit that should be the thing that makes you happy. It shouldn't be the case. Like even a text, a call or a homecooked meal that is kinda screwed up somewhere, it is still happiness.

I just wanna say, "happiness DO and CAN come in the simplest form" as long as you know what are the important things in your life. And, yep cheers to those who replied :)

Life.

Update ?¿

It was such a hectic week at work. There were so much drama that had happened. And particularly there is one that I would like to mention about. It was " double standard treatment " 

I know I am nothing much to look at and the way I talked resemble like a dude. But I am cool with it. So someone there did this "double standard treatment" and it was getting onto my nerves so badly. As much as I wanna stab that f*****, I wanna just chill the f*** out too. It bothered me so much that the very next day my mood was like shit and it was too obvious. I couldn't keep quiet about it anymore so I rant out to one of the senior there when we were both held back due to a class. He said this " Everyone has their own double standards, its up to you whether you want to allow it affect you or just let you know about someone else character. " I thought again and again but I just can't seem to get it out of my mind. So I told this thing to my close friends when we were smoking. And I told him that it was so irritating. Well, two can play that game. And he said this " If you were to do the same thing as he did, aren't you lowering your own standards to his? This just means you have become the same person as he is. . Don't you find that it is just a waste of time to even lower your standards to his level? " And this hit me so hard and I thought through what he said. Yes, he was right. Why did I even want to lower my standards to his level? It was so stupid of me to even waste my time getting pissed off and wanting to get back at him. Then I told this whole thing to my best friend. She said whatever my friend said was correct and if I really don't want to be affected by it, clear cut one line with the everyone that is associated with that guy so that you won't even be bothered by him. Holy crap, the moment I did that, my mood was so much better and my day wasn't that affected anymore. 

Life is always unfair. Nobody cares unless you are pretty or died. That's reality. All you ever have to do is to find someone that pace themselves together by your side and that's all that will ever matter. When something happens to you, the more you think about it, the more affected you are. And it's gonna end up you, being the one tortured by yourself. 

The other thing is " two faced "

Let's be honest, everyone is two faced. But whether you're being two faced to stop creating more problem for yourself like me or just lying for the sake of lying.

I am two faced so are you but you don't have to lie about it. You don't have to lie to me about whatever you want to do or whatever you think. One hand you tell me you hate it about everything but on the other hand, both of you are together. It is none of my business but it is irritating me about your obvious lies. If you wanna lie, make sure I don't find out. The thing is right now, I am not the only one who thinks this way, everyone around me is telling me the same thing too. They all think that you are lying so why the f*** are you trying to lie or cover just to entertain me. I don't need your entertainment nor do i need your attention. I am not a f***ing attention seeker so learn how to shut your trap sometimes. Like if you aren't tired, I am. I am so f***ing tired of every stupid drama I am getting involved for nothing. I am trying so hard to go along but the more you do, the more tiring it is for me to act for you. [ Yes btw I am also being two faced but its not like I have a choice, its just for me to create lesser drama in my life ] 

I think I really am done with my life for now. Everything seems to be draining me out so easily but too bad I still have to suck it up. Please let everything come to an end and just give me a break for a moment. I never ever ever want to relapse again.

" If "

This week was horrible. I spent both weekends at home, without even stepping out of the house a single step. I felt so empty and upset but I didn't know why too. And because of that, I fought with 2 of my bestfriends and I didn't know what to do too. I was so screwed up with everything. I had so much on my plate that was going on and this week was exam week. There was just so much on my mind and I had no idea who to talk to all about. I was just so messed up inside and out. I was just in the mood in between where I want to talk to someone and I don't want to talk at all. I just felt empty and sad the past few days without reason and I hate it too. Well who knew the person I ended up opening to was someone who used to be my bestfriend and the person I hated the most. Like I told him I didn't know what's wrong with me, he just told me to talk, anything is fine, just talk to him. And well I found something out that had been haunting me since sec sch days due to him but still I was thankful that he was there for me when all of this happened.

And today, as I was talking about everything to my partner in SHATEC. I told her this "if i could..." and she replied me "if" "all the ifs" then this reminded me that so many ifs but time doesn't rewind so they are nothing but just part of your regrets. 

If I could have control my own temper, I wouldn't get into so many meaningless fights.
If I could stop swearing, I wouldn't get into so many troubles for that.
If I could stop smoking, I wouldn't start up a argument with my bestfriend.
If I could stop self-harming, I wouldn't make my bestfriend worry so much.

If I could be a little more easy-going, I wouldn't have kept everything to myself till I feel so suffocated.
If I could stop overthinking, I wouldn't become so pessimistic.
If I could be a little more positive, I don't think any of this would even start.

If I could be a little more happy, I won't take thing so negatively. 

If I could remain sane,  I wouldn't go insane while trying to keep my sanity.
If I choose my words carefully, things wouldn't ended up this way. 

If I was a little more smart, I could have gotten into a better poly and not regret all my decisions. 

If I wasn't born in this family, I wouldn't have become the person I am right now.
If I didn't ruin the relationship between my family and I, things would be so much better.
If I didn't screw up myself, maybe I wouldn't end up to this state.
If I wasn't that fucked up, I wouldn't get into argument with both of my most important people in my life.

If I wasn't their bestfriends, they wouldn't have to suffer so much.

If I didn't exist, all of this wouldn't happen. 

All the Ifs I could think of for now, but with all these of Ifs, there were so much pain and regrets behind it. And the more I think, the more tough it becomes for me to handle. 

one of those days

It's one of those days when you just feel extra empty and just sad over nothing. I don't often have those days but right now I seem to have it every week. I feel so frustrated one moment then the other upset then the other empty. Nothing is wrong is just that I feel the unnecessary sadness that is so overwhelming right now.

I don't even know about myself too.

I want to talk to people but yet I don't want to.
I want to go out but yet I don't want to.
I don't even know what I want too.

But one thing for sure is that I miss you so much that I can't seem to do anything right anymore.
I miss you so much that it is affecting my daily life.
I miss you so much that it's killing me inside.
I miss you so much that it hurts.

I stopped texting.
You stopped caring.
I started crying.
You started ignoring.
In the end, I was the only one who think of our friendship so highly when you don't even think our friendship as anything.

Then again, I can't blame you if you don't take our friendship of any importance because who would really choose a daisy, in a field of roses? It just sucks because even if I try so fucking hard, nothing I do ever seems to be enough for anyone, not even for my damn self.

I wish it didn't hurt.
I wish I didn't care.
I wish it didn't matter.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I was pretty.
I wish I had money.
I wish I could sleep at night.
I wish I enjoyed my life.
I wish you were here.
I wish you meant it.
I wish I was different.
I wish I lived somewhere else.
I wish I didn't exist.

just a thought

I took a long bus ride home today. What I saw today, reminded me about my past.

So I sat right in front of this guy whose clique sat on the other side of the bus. He sat alone and kept quiet throughout the bus ride while his friend all talked loudly. I saw his reflection from the window itself and he seem to look so broken as he stared outside. His so called "friends" asked if he was alright and he seem so forced to smile and replied he was just "tired". But the moment he turned away and looked outside, his smile slowly fades into nothingness Then they reached their stop and alighted. I looked as he exited the bus last and how his "friends" walked off first without him and just continue chattering among themselves. He seem so out of place when they walked off together.

This reminded me of myself in the past. Like how I felt I was out of place with every different bunch of people that I hang out with. And I thought to myself, just how much this society have shape us into each of our character. Some of us turned heartless because of the sufferings we went through. However some of us remain kind because you never want anyone feel the same way as you. Every single person that appeared in your life either serve as a lesson or is a blessing to you. But no matter which group they belong to, their words and action actually changes you in some way or another. Whether you swear a lot or you don't ; Whether you become a extrovert or a introvert ; Whether you become your true self or it was all just a fake act.

Maybe whatever I said here, you may not agree. But this is just my thinking, my perspective, a thought.

expectations

I think I try too hard to fulfill people's expectation that it is mentally and physically draining. It sucks up all my energy and yet only gives me pain and suffering. 

For my best friend, as hard as I tried to be in good condition in front of you, I am always at my worst. As much as I don't want you to worry about me, I make you worry even more. As much as I want to be someone you can rely on, I ended up being the one relying on you. I am sorry that I didn't dare to tell you everything because I still want you to be happy and not worrying about me.

For my juniors, I am sorry that I couldn't keep up the image that you guys have. I am probably such a pathetic and a disappointment. Instead of senior helping you, it end up you guys are the one helping me. I am sorry that I didn't tell you anything because I want to keep that perfect image you guys had. 

For my friends, I am sorry I am something that you guys have never expected to be. I am sorry that I am such a person. 

Sometimes, I honestly think if I have enough guts to kill myself and not hurt anyone, I'll probably do it in a heartbeat. I went insane while trying to remain sane. So to be alive, I should die once. 

was i good enough ?¿

Barely into the new year and I had shit going on in this fucked up life. But when all of that happened, and I was desperately in need of someone's comfort, you saw through my lie and comforted me. I didn't believe in anyone who would never fulfill this "lie" that everyone says, "I will be there whenever you need" till I met you as my best friend.

It was going to be 12 midnight soon and you had school the next day bright and early. And that day itself, you had classes till late in the night but yet instead of resting at home, you came out to accompany me, ensure that I was okay, comforted me and fulfilled "I will always be there for you". I told you I was going to be fine yet you said you wanted to make sure that I was really fine. I told myself that I should stay strong in front of you, just smile and just have a short chat before going off yet the moment I met you, you held your arms open towards me just like always but I started crying uncontrollably when I was suppose to smile as usual. We sat at the playground and I kept on crying but yet you never once let me go. I never knew I was this broken and empty till I finally cried in front of someone, especially you. I talked about what happened, you sat there silently beside me, listening. I started crying, you comforted me silently beside me, patting my head. Because of you, here I am right now.

Then it was this week's feels that hit me so hard. My aunt passed away so it wasn't exactly the week for me. Because of the preparation for her funeral, I was unable to often check my phone and as usual, I was the last one who found out that something happened to you. I texted you to ask what happened but like who you always are, you never told me the real problem. So after that night that it was my turn to stay up for the entire night to look after my aunt's funeral, on the way back in the car, I thought what exactly am I doing in your life. I was so tired but yet I couldn't stop thinking. I wasn't there at your worst when you were for mine. I wasn't able to comfort you when you did. I wasn't able to make you laugh when you did. I wasn't able to help you lessen any trouble but only add on. Then at this exact point, I actually felt physically empty that I don't even know why I started crying. I cried and cried but I couldn't pin-point the reason why am I crying. It just that I feel so empty on the inside that my physical body felt it too and wasn't able to withstand that pain. Then at this moment I knew I probably have taken your kindness for granted.

ps: if you ever read this, don't text me and tell me that I was ever good enough or anything cause truthfully, I am not. I know you are suffering as much as me and even twice as much as me but you never ever voice it out like me. And because of that, I felt that I was such an attention whore that just couldn't take reality. Maybe whatever the others said about me was real, they were fast enough to notice how horrible a person am I.