insane

Recently, I think I have finally reached my limit and over the edge of remaining sane already. It's been so long since I have ever felt this again, being forced to a corner or being forced over the edge ever since poly days.

This is the first time I felt so helpless with the issue on hand. I always managed to find some sort of solution or way out for myself to remain sane but this is the only time, I couldn't. I thought I could hold on, I thought I could hang on a little longer, I thought things will get better. Little did I thought that this could drive me insane. 

What am I suppose to do to entertain you?
What am I suppose to do so I can satisfy you?
What am I suppose to do so I don't offend any sides?
What am I suppose to do to ensure both sides are happy?
What am I suppose to do for you guys when I am so tired? 

Can I take a break?
Can I take a breathe?
Can I just stop doing everything?
Can I just leave?
Can I just give up?
Can I just disappear? 

I get it. I am here to live my life and not to entertain/satisfy people. I get this. But how do I continue when the same people telling me this are the ones that I have to satisfy. Whenever I think that I am finally healing, finally recovering, it will always not be that case. 

"Can you don't be so angst"                         "anything let us know"
"Can you don't talk like that"                        "you need help, tell me"
"Can you don't waste my time"                     "don't stress yourself"
"Can you talk nicer"                                    "don't overthink"
"Can you don't show temper"                        "hard on you"

Can you this, can you not. I also don't know. I am not that perfect like you guys think I am. I have my own temper and I know it myself and it's not like I am not changing but it just seems my efforts have never ever be enough. Yes, I am trying to be a better me, I am trying to change my temper, I am trying to talk in a nicer way, I am trying to act like I am happy but in actual fact I am not. Am I still not trying to change just to satisfy your god damn needs? Please, please give me some time to change to someone that is better. Don't expect me to change within a few days when I am who I am that has been created throughout my 18 years.