" you must hurt, or to be hurt"

I am such a fucked up person who cant hide her own feelings from others. While trying to avoid any attention given by others to me, i add on and get more attention even without wanting to. I detest myself more than i detest anyone. I wish i didnt exist more than i wish anyone else didnt exist. I'll kill myself more than i ever want to kill anyone. And at the end, all i wanted was someone who i can talk to about every single shit and be myself without worrying they will leave. I feel bad saying this cause i have friends who are exactly this type but yet i am a fucked up and ruined the friendship. And even if they forgive me, i cant forgive myself and ended up distancing myself from them. The more i distance myself away from them, the more pain i feel. But the closer i am with them, they will be the one suffer...so i rather i suffer alone... either you get hurt or you hurt someone else. The more you try not to hurt them, the more you hurt them. The more you try to care for them, the more hurt you will get cause you arent in their priority list.

Cycle

I  have no idea what am i doing with myself. I thought...maybe finally i'll get better and recover..but no. I am back to day 0 again. Why is it that whatever i do never seems to be good enough for others? Why is that i always screw up friendship and then have mental breakdown? Why is that i cant be truthful to others about who i am? It seems like once i showed my true self to someone, that someone who is closer to me than anyone even my family, that someone who i know i can trust and just be at ease around them, they will leave. Leave me hanging there alone. And then someone will come in my life again and this whole cycle repeats again. I am just so tired with myself and with everything. Maybe i wasnt meant for life. Maybe i shouldnt have even existed...

worst kind of person

i am probably the worst kind of person alive. he didnt do anything but yet took the blame from me. and till now, everytime when theres something that reminds me of it, i will bring it up to him again. and in the end, making him feel gulity. I feel bad for mentioning it to him but everytime i remember about it, the mental breakdown was real and bad. No matter how much i want to try to forget about it, my surroundings will remind me constantly. Even if it doesnt, flashbacks will. And when all this comes back to me again, old habits will relapse again. Then when they noticed it, they will blame themselves more. This isnt the what i want to see... i want them to be happy even if its without me. I want them to smile even if im suffering. Because they matter so much to me more than i matter.

16th birthday

17.09.2015
My 16th birthday (best birthday ever)
I recieved so many presents from everyone and i really feel that im loved by everyone around me. I got what i wanted and yet it wasnt the end. The last surprise from beverley raelene jasper justin calvin siangyeo and ariel was the best really. So i thought i was gonna just have lunch with ariel alone for my birthday but i was wrong. Ariel was in charge of bringing me to the place we were celebrating whereas raelene was in charge of holding me back so the rest can go over first to prepare. And when i saw them, i was shocked and thought it was by chance but i was wrong. They all planned it out together. They treated me lunch and got me a cake. I was really touched and cried  and this was really like the best birthday i ever had. Sweet 16 i must be really blessed to have met friends like them  Celebrated my birthday at night with my family and my cousins they put in so much effort to make me a scrapbook with all our memories inside i am so touched and i just wanna thanks everyone who wished me happy birthday and went an extra mile to get me gifts and to those who planned surprises for me, i love you

Gave up

I make an effort in this friendship.. its not like i didnt care or bother. I tried so hard to maintain. I cared so much. But all my efforts seems not to be enough. How much more effort must i put in so you will finally understand that the fact that friendship is is two-sided and not one-sided. I am tired of trying and trying and still i am the only one making an effort in this friendship. I am tired that i am constantly on look for you, making sure you are fine. I am tired of replying your messages when you dont even bother to reply to mine but ignores it after reading. Please. I am also just a human with feelings too. Stop making me so sick of everything because of you. If its so, wouldnt it be best that we just stop being friends..?

friendships

sometimes i think that friendships are such a complex things... why is it that we have a tough time communicating with each other even on simple things? why is it that we dont tell each other what we dont like about each other straight in their face or a text? why is it thaf when friendship is put to test then you will know who are real friends and fake friends? why is it that its so hard to maintain a friendship? there are just so many "why"s for one simple lovely thing, friendship.

love is crap

"I like you. You like her. She likes him. He likes her." And this whole cycle continues. It hurts knowing this...

Personal story: The guy i loved, loves another girl and finally got together and breaking our friendship. Why...?
I was the one who loved you, cared for you, made you my first priority and gave you all my time. But yet after so much i have done and so much effort i have put in, she was enough to take away everything i wanted with just 1 word "yes" to your feelings. And i lost everything i needed and wanted. Every time my phone rings, i wish your name would appear on my screen even though its one in a million chance already. I saw you that day, looking so down and i knew you were upset but yet when she came by, you forced yourself to smile. Why do you need to go to such length for her? Was she really worth it? When i was the one who stayed when you fought with her and listened to all your problems till 2am and stayed whenever you needed someone. But yet you chose her not me and even broke our friendship. You were the one who promised you were going to stay and you will never leave. And it was all fake i guess. This probably haunted me so much and so bad that till this point of my life, i stopped trusting anyone. I tried again and again but at the end of the day, i still get betrayed again and again. Would it be easier if i didnt exist? Died? Drown? Disappear? I wished.

Tired

There are days where things just doesn't seems to go smoothly. And those are the bad days in your life. There are also days where things are in place just like you wanted. And those are the good days in your life.
And when it comes to the bad days in your life, i wish i can be there to support you and comfort you. And when its the good days, i wish i can be the one who can smile and laugh by your side.