我也不知道
但是我真的感觉到很累
谁也好 什么也好 就提不起我的兴趣
我形容不出我多难过 但是确实真的不快乐
现在除了麻木 也没什么感觉了
连活下的欲望都不存在了
什么都是迷茫的 模糊的
分手后
朋友说我看起来好点
我也笑着回答 是不是 对啊 谢谢你
但实话实说 我也不知道我在干嘛
呼吸着 上班着 好像什么都没改变
我对新的人有好感
但我感觉就是一时的
三分钟热度吧
可能随时不喜欢
孤独的时候 谁都喜欢
毕竟我连自己都不喜欢自己
如何真的会好好喜欢一个人
Monday, 2 February 2026
Friday, 21 August 2020
满眼都是你的人
遇到一个满眼都是我的人
可是我不懂我应该怎样
他对我说在他那里
我可以当一个小孩子
我可以任性
我可以不用成熟懂事
我可以闹
对他而言 我是最好也希望是最后
第一次跟他见面
因为自己的衣服有点暴露
他一直站在一边掩护着我
怕我走光 怕我被别人看
而傻傻的我却问他
你干嘛一直站在我的后面
第一次被他所为的"告白"
他说他发烧了
然后我发了很多信息
他却依依回复了我所有信息
被吓到傻傻的我问他干嘛这样
他当时回复我说因为不想敷衍我
所以一个一个回复了我的信息
说他对我像女朋友一样是认真的
然后最后说了他愿意等我
第一次跟他吵架
虽然我是哭着睡
可是他自己一整夜都没睡
我任性的那一次 不理不睬
他却耐心等待我回复
一直都在哄我
他不会让我感到对不起因为我是这样的人
他也没有停止找我就算我几个小时没有回复
我所有的不安 不开心 自卑感
他一个人扛下全部
就因为他说他爱我
他说他真的很害怕会失去我
第一次他问我
我们有没有未来
我当时其实是有点傻了
但却嘴里和心里都就是
哄他 安抚他 答应了吧
他就对我那么的认真
还没来的 他都在担心
我该怎样
第一次哄我睡
我发了一个信息告诉他我睡不着
他过了一下就打电话给我了
他明明就已经睡着了 也很累
但却在他眼里都是我
他就哄着我睡
那怕是一瞬间
我害怕失去他了
我好想跟他说我们正式在一起好吗
我好想跟身边的人说我真的有人爱了
我好想跟家人说我有男朋友了
但是我还有没有放下的东西和人
我希望我能好好爱他
也希望我满眼只有他一个
到那个时候 我才告诉你这些
因为我想告诉你选择的人没有让你输
现在的我真的太没用了
希望你能再等等我
Sunday, 3 May 2020
detachment
It's been so happening recently in my life.
I start to detach myself more and more from everyone and everything.
As days goes by with all sort of different drama people come up with, the more detach I become to every single person.
I no longer have any strength to argue or fight back for my stand.
I no longer get upset for the hurtful words said.
I no longer get angry for the dumb things done.
I no longer be genuinely happy for anything.
I no longer laugh wholeheartedly at the jokes being said.
I no longer want to step a step further for everyone or anyone.
I no longer want to talk more to anyone about myself.
I no longer want to even know more about anything.
I just want to do what I have to do.
I just want to finish what I must finish.
I just want to leave once time's up.
I just became someone who is emotionless.
I smile when I need to.
I laugh when required.
I talk when I have to.
If not, then I'll stay silent.
As the misunderstanding gets bigger, the lesser I want to explain or bother anymore. I am tired so are you. I am drained out from being extra careful around you and not wanting to make any mistakes but at the end, every little things I do still irritates the shit out of you. I am done. It is more than enough that I know I can handle already. I won't find any explanations for whatever the others said to you about me. No point explaining if your mind thinks the same way as them even though we are a team. Explanation will only make things worse since you think that I am "young immature kid" then... But I guess it's the way this should end cause I no longer find any strength to argue or even feel any emotions to the things happening around me.
To you whom I cared the most... I held onto you for so long for so many wrong reasons. You constantly proved me wrong about why I should hold onto you. After so long, you were the most toxic person to me yet I held onto you like you were my everything. Little did I know, you were the one who stabbed me at the back. With every words that you said out about me to others, thank you for making the misunderstanding deeper and deeper. But I held no grudges against you cause I still love you. However, I can't carry on anymore. Let's go back to the very first time when we met. I didn't love you. You didn't care. Held on for so long and finally you cut off the very last strand of love I have for you. Thank you babe.
I start to detach myself more and more from everyone and everything.
As days goes by with all sort of different drama people come up with, the more detach I become to every single person.
I no longer have any strength to argue or fight back for my stand.
I no longer get upset for the hurtful words said.
I no longer get angry for the dumb things done.
I no longer be genuinely happy for anything.
I no longer laugh wholeheartedly at the jokes being said.
I no longer want to step a step further for everyone or anyone.
I no longer want to talk more to anyone about myself.
I no longer want to even know more about anything.
I just want to do what I have to do.
I just want to finish what I must finish.
I just want to leave once time's up.
I just became someone who is emotionless.
I smile when I need to.
I laugh when required.
I talk when I have to.
If not, then I'll stay silent.
As the misunderstanding gets bigger, the lesser I want to explain or bother anymore. I am tired so are you. I am drained out from being extra careful around you and not wanting to make any mistakes but at the end, every little things I do still irritates the shit out of you. I am done. It is more than enough that I know I can handle already. I won't find any explanations for whatever the others said to you about me. No point explaining if your mind thinks the same way as them even though we are a team. Explanation will only make things worse since you think that I am "young immature kid" then... But I guess it's the way this should end cause I no longer find any strength to argue or even feel any emotions to the things happening around me.
To you whom I cared the most... I held onto you for so long for so many wrong reasons. You constantly proved me wrong about why I should hold onto you. After so long, you were the most toxic person to me yet I held onto you like you were my everything. Little did I know, you were the one who stabbed me at the back. With every words that you said out about me to others, thank you for making the misunderstanding deeper and deeper. But I held no grudges against you cause I still love you. However, I can't carry on anymore. Let's go back to the very first time when we met. I didn't love you. You didn't care. Held on for so long and finally you cut off the very last strand of love I have for you. Thank you babe.
Sunday, 8 March 2020
备胎都不如
最近很辛苦 很痛苦 很难受
因为你 突然感觉我根本是一个笑话
因为你 突然感觉我根本是一个笑话
你真的成功把我玩的很彻底
对了我做了那么多 说了那么多
最后却因为她
你说谎了 为了掩盖你的错误
你把我对你的真心就那么的糟蹋
你把对你我付出的一切开玩笑
我所牺牲和付出代价变成一文不值
我所牺牲和付出代价变成一文不值
到最后 我连一个备胎都不如呢
我选择配合了你
坏人我当了 好人就给你当
坏人我当了 好人就给你当
我也累了
真的不知道为什么我还能那么的保护着你
明明我都那么痛苦了
却我还是把你放第一
所知道的人都骂我笨 骂我傻
但是都听了我的理由也默默支持我
虽然我很想把你给我的痛苦双倍还给你
可是我也知道如果我要你再次受你给我受的痛苦
我不忍心 因为我还是会心疼你
但是还是要谢谢你一路走来都是你陪我
可是就到此为止
我希望你依然还是会开心快乐
我们不相欠了
所知道的人都骂我笨 骂我傻
但是都听了我的理由也默默支持我
虽然我很想把你给我的痛苦双倍还给你
可是我也知道如果我要你再次受你给我受的痛苦
我不忍心 因为我还是会心疼你
但是还是要谢谢你一路走来都是你陪我
可是就到此为止
我希望你依然还是会开心快乐
我们不相欠了
Saturday, 17 August 2019
女强人?¿
终于明白了什么叫 "女强人"
自己在家里吐的要死要活 然后又发烧 身体虚弱 想吃点东西还是什么都要靠自己
伤心时 其实想哭 却在笑
生气时 其实想闹脾气 却太幼稚 所以选择沉默
生病时 其实想要有人照顾 却要装自己很强
难受时 其实想说出来 却放弃 因为也不能改变
现在觉得自己也其实没那么坚强
因为只有自己知道自己到底有过得好不好
伤心时 就躲在被子里哭
生气时 就对自己狠一点
生病时 就自己照顾自己
难受时 就自己安安静静过
我累了.
Friday, 5 July 2019
React ?¿
Feeling so drained out with so many things due to myself. Why myself? Because I have a very bad and short temper ; I'll get angry easily and shows it all on my face. I detest that part of me so much ; so much that I wished I can just disappear.
Whenever someone points that fact out, it actually gets to me cause I hate myself for it but I am trying. I am trying not to get angry easily. I am trying to stay calm instead of showing temper. I am trying so hard that it literally drains my energy out.
Someone who knows me well told me recently that my temper got better. I no longer give reaction to what bullshit is faced. But yet she asked why I stop reacting to those bullshit. It's not that I stop reacting but I guess sometimes it's better to just keep quiet instead of fighting back.
I learnt that even if I react, it won’t change anything, it won’t make people suddenly love and respect me, it won’t magically change their minds. Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, let people go, don’t fight for closure, don’t ask for explanations, don’t chase answers and don’t expect people to understand where you’re coming from.
🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
Friday, 10 May 2019
Torture
The past few weeks were torturous.
// Someone commented on my lifestyle and it got me triggered so badly. He said " how can I task anything to you when you spent your whole night not sleeping but drinking? What if you ruin the whole thing? " Honestly, I was heartbroken to hear that from someone whom I was once close to.
Yes. Drinking is bad. Not sleeping is bad. Combination of both and going work directly is worse. But I did it. I didn't take MC last minute. I did everything perfectly still without any mistakes. Is just I lost my feel of touch. I got it that you were worried because when I got burned by the oven yet I still have no reaction till someone mentioned my arm is burning red. But why? Why do you have to say it this way... as if I am not worth a single thing.
Nobody apologize to me for making the monster I am now. Why do I have to apologize of who I am now just because you disliked it. The pain, the suffering and everything I have been through is not what you have been through. I don't need you to stand in my shoes to understand what I am going through but please don't comment on my lifestyle when you know nothing about me. Because of your words, endless of nightmares with sleepless nights and finally a mental breakdown. I lost my motivation to work due to your words and all the hard work I did before were all gone just because of my performance that week was bad as this is reality of our society. All the good will never be remembered as long as you did 1 wrong thing.
// Thank you for your feelings. Thank you for loving someone like me. Thank you for trying to save someone like me. Thank you for trying non-stop for someone like me. Thank you. I appreciated it. But I am sorry. I am not capable to love someone else right now when I can't even love myself right at all. Someone who loves you won't make you feel this way so please, someone will love you but that someone isn't me.
I have been wanting to tell you this but I won't text you. So I'll leave here cause I no longer want to give you any expectation when I am not capable to fulfill any. " I am sorry for that day. I chose to show my true self to you and you couldn't handle it. Those are the days you will have to face non-stop if we were ever together. Please don't tell me you can and stuffs cause that day was a good example of reality between us. So please give up on me. I am not that good at all for you. And don't tell yourself you are not good enough for me or whatsoever. I don't have to heart to accept you and end up hurting you just because I have not recover fully from before. I am not going to put my past mistakes with my ex on you cause you have no reason to be the one paying the price for the mistakes he have done to me. Please move on without me. Thank you for your feelings. Sorry if I have gave you any hopes. And I am sorry that I hurt you. "
This has been on my mind so long. And seeing all the post you probably posted due to me... hurts. I am sorry.
// to those close to me. I am trying. Please don't give up on me. Sorry that I may push you away and then ask you back again. Thank you to those who didn't left still since secondary school. I am trying to figure out myself and in this process, if I hurt any of you, I am sorry. Please hang on with me. Thank you :").
// Someone commented on my lifestyle and it got me triggered so badly. He said " how can I task anything to you when you spent your whole night not sleeping but drinking? What if you ruin the whole thing? " Honestly, I was heartbroken to hear that from someone whom I was once close to.
Yes. Drinking is bad. Not sleeping is bad. Combination of both and going work directly is worse. But I did it. I didn't take MC last minute. I did everything perfectly still without any mistakes. Is just I lost my feel of touch. I got it that you were worried because when I got burned by the oven yet I still have no reaction till someone mentioned my arm is burning red. But why? Why do you have to say it this way... as if I am not worth a single thing.
Nobody apologize to me for making the monster I am now. Why do I have to apologize of who I am now just because you disliked it. The pain, the suffering and everything I have been through is not what you have been through. I don't need you to stand in my shoes to understand what I am going through but please don't comment on my lifestyle when you know nothing about me. Because of your words, endless of nightmares with sleepless nights and finally a mental breakdown. I lost my motivation to work due to your words and all the hard work I did before were all gone just because of my performance that week was bad as this is reality of our society. All the good will never be remembered as long as you did 1 wrong thing.
// Thank you for your feelings. Thank you for loving someone like me. Thank you for trying to save someone like me. Thank you for trying non-stop for someone like me. Thank you. I appreciated it. But I am sorry. I am not capable to love someone else right now when I can't even love myself right at all. Someone who loves you won't make you feel this way so please, someone will love you but that someone isn't me.
I have been wanting to tell you this but I won't text you. So I'll leave here cause I no longer want to give you any expectation when I am not capable to fulfill any. " I am sorry for that day. I chose to show my true self to you and you couldn't handle it. Those are the days you will have to face non-stop if we were ever together. Please don't tell me you can and stuffs cause that day was a good example of reality between us. So please give up on me. I am not that good at all for you. And don't tell yourself you are not good enough for me or whatsoever. I don't have to heart to accept you and end up hurting you just because I have not recover fully from before. I am not going to put my past mistakes with my ex on you cause you have no reason to be the one paying the price for the mistakes he have done to me. Please move on without me. Thank you for your feelings. Sorry if I have gave you any hopes. And I am sorry that I hurt you. "
This has been on my mind so long. And seeing all the post you probably posted due to me... hurts. I am sorry.
// to those close to me. I am trying. Please don't give up on me. Sorry that I may push you away and then ask you back again. Thank you to those who didn't left still since secondary school. I am trying to figure out myself and in this process, if I hurt any of you, I am sorry. Please hang on with me. Thank you :").
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)