2016

30th Dec'16.

It was tiring to hang on till now. I made so many mistakes and wrong decisions for my own future and regretting every single shit that I should have done and what I had done. (AND EVERYTHING FROM HERE ON DOESN'T LINK)  As much as I have done wrong, I want to make things right again. The path to recovery from self-harm seems far but I know something for sure is that I am making efforts to recover even if it's just small steps. I lost countless of friendship that was once important to me and I also made countless of new friends that seems to be taking up bits and parts of my life. I saw this post on Instagram.

It wrote "Instead of saying 'Sorry', changed it to 'Thank You'. So instead of saying "Sorry I am late." say, "Thank you for waiting for me". Instead of saying "Sorry I only make things worse/ i screwed up stuffs" say, "Thank you for the unconditional love and care to help me get by" Then I think back how I always say sorry and somehow ruined the mood most of the time and thought maybe 2017 is the time I should change. I should start showing my gratitude more instead of apologizing for everything (UNLESS I DO SHIT WRONGLY)

love story💑

This is a very short, sad love story.

When I first met you, I never thought you were gonna be this important.
When I started knowing you, you became my bestfriend.
When I was your bestfriend, you reassure all my insecurities.
When I drifted away from you, you cleared all my doubts.
When I am at my best, you were there.
When I am at my lowest, you were there.
When I was alone, you were there.
When I needed you, you stayed.
When I pushed you away, you stayed.
When I was lost, you pulled me back.
When I hated myself, you loved me.
When I had another bestfriend, you still stayed by my side.
When I had family/friendship issues, you cheered me up and ensure I was happy.
When I cried and stayed awake till 3am, you accompained me and comforted me.
When I wanted to go out in the middle of the night, you went along with me.

And now,

When you had a girlfriend, then i noticed the person whom I was in love with was you.

The end

Reality vs Dreams

The more people I met, the more stuffs I learn.
The more stuffs I learn, the more things I lose.
The more things I lose, the more things I regret.

The more things I regret, the more pain I feel. 

Sometimes, I just wonder what's wrong with life. Once everything seems so perfect, there has to be something that goes wrong and that's the way the cookies crumbles. No matter how much you hate it, you still have to accept reality and face it cause you can't change the matter of fact. 

I decided to chase my own dreams and went for it 3 months ago. However, in this process, I lost things that are remarkably important to me. I had to sacrificed so many things just to get to this point that I am at right now. I have to say that even though I gave up so many things just trying to fulfill my own dreams, sometimes all this sacrifices doesn't seem to be that worthy yet at times it is. 

I am happy that I am actually one step closer to fulfilling my dream of wanting to be a patisserie and even opening a cafe myself. But right now, I don't seem to enjoy this whole process. Things may be rough but that, I can hold on. But the people that's around me. I won't say that all of them are bad but partially is. (Yes, I know that I am not any better nor like the best. It's just that some of them just gets to me and I just seem to get even more tired and more tired whether in terms of physically or mentally.) Everyone will just tell you that "Oh, get over it." "ignore her/him" "don't care and don't think about it" And yes, I know for a fact that if he/she is not gonna matter 5 years down the road, why do I even bother with them for 5 minutes.

But like how my chef told me, there's no one man show in the kitchen and that is true. I tried doing everything myself but end up making myself even more tired and even falling sick. Just what's the point of doing that just to make other's life better and making my life even more miserable. This is probably one thing that till now I have not changed even after knowing the consequences. I need to stop giving and start to take. 

My bestfriend told me this, "How are you going to keep giving when you don't take?  And you need to realize that you need to take or else you won't have anything to give anymore." and the fact that I stop opening up to people makes me even more edgy than I was before. "You need to learn how to receive help from people and learn how to start opening up again" he told me this. And like yea, I agree with my own bestfriend what he said but it doesn't seem to be that easy as compare to saying it out and I know that for a fact for sure. 

It's just that I feel like and I think that I have already gave up. I stopped trying. I stopped wanting. And all I left is to stop giving. 

Lies

Everyone said "everything is going to be fine" "everything will be fine, dont overthink" "you will be fine" Such lies. It will never be the same anymore. Things changed. You won't get better or what. You just get used to it and live with it.
^ this is what i have learnt from life in the tough way. And during this process, you will know who are the people who really care for you and just saying for the sake of saying it out. Those people who are just saying it for the sake of saying it are just sickening and makes me wanna puke and think about what did I do wrong in my whole life to know you as a friend or even as a family member. It just so sickening and disgusting to know that people like them actually existed. 

You been through shits that I don't understand but I also went through shits that you will never understand too. So who the fuck are you to judge and tryna brush me off. If I actually told you about my stuffs, know that the fact that I actually trusting you that much. Learn how to fucking understand people instead of just thinking for your own self. You're simply so sickening and gross to even be a human being. Sometimes, this always make me wonder why do I ever have such a friend like you or even know your existence in the first place. It's disgusting to know that in my life, such people existed. 

伤了 • 累了 • 放了

Someone who is close to me is going through a tough time right now. And this triggered me to make this post.

Firstly, don't ever make yourself suffer for someone who you think is worth it but in the actual fact, they aren't.

Don't ever suffer for someone who doesn't even care much about your existence. You don't owe anyone your life (unless someone legit saved your life then that's different) and you live it the way you want. Don't ever shortchange yourself for someone who is not sensitive to your feelings and just take you as a back-up plan cause you are way more worthy than that. You deserve someone who place you as his/her priority and never a second choice. You deserve the love someone can give you wholeheartedly and not bits and parts of it.

Secondly, if it is meant to be, it will be.

Trust me. I don't believe this shit either. But in the actual fact, this is true. You may lose someone once but if it is meant to be, he/she will come back to you. Sometimes, some stuffs can never be forced to be the way you want it to be cause life is never fair. You just have to hang on and move forward even if it is draining you out mentally and physically but it is part of life. Some people come and go while some stay and some may leave and come back again. This is just what you call "Life". The person you are meant to be with will come and even if you have once lost him/her, he/she will still come back. (I know this sounds ridiculous cause personally, I don't believe too. But this had just happened to me recently. Someone who i once lost that was once so dearly to me came back to my side.)

Thirdly, don't give in to someone just because they are your priority.

Always giving in to someone just because they are your priority doesn't mean your efforts are going to be appreciated because it is just going to go wasted on someone who doesn't treat you the same as you treat them. Once you give in one time, there is gonna be a second time and so on. When this goes on, the person who will be in the most pain would be you, alone. 

Lastly, when it gets tiring mentally, emotionally and physically, it's time for you to let it go.

Don't ever hold onto someone that is draining you out mentally, emotionally and physically. When you start to feel this tired by someone, it only mean one thing and that is it's time for you to stop and let it go. If you feel tired of someone this way, means that you are always trying to keep some sort of a perfect image in front of this person which shows that you're not being your true self to that person. If you have to hide your true self in front of someone that you love, it's one sided love. Cause if the person loves you back, he/she will try his/her best to accept who you really are and also compromise. 

The people i met in RP

It's been so long that I have updated my blog. 

Poly is a place where you get the chance to meet all sort of people. As time pass, the true colours of some people will come out. (not saying that they are horrible people but just that everyone are guarded against each other till a point of time where they finally open up and show their true self) It feels like I just met them but one sem have already passed.  The times i had with them was fun even though there were times that was frustrating.

Let me use this chance to mention some people that I met and had lots of fun with. They are pretty amazing to me and some of them are important to me :'). 

Formal attire with the coolest :>
White vs Black 

"eh another pose"
"dab ah"

Visit to SAM & NAFA

Senpai :')
8 years age gap yet get along well

First game with them 

There's always like 2 different poses shot ahaha

#sachok #abang #bestSL
There's always this senior who is plain crazy and makes everyone laugh.
That would be him just that he is very good looking.

Then again, he is uniquely weird AHAHA
I wish he knows that he is amazingly awesome
and I'm grateful to meet him as his freshie and being in his team :') 

First time doing rangoli
(THE INK ON MY FINGERS TOOK LIKE 2 DAYS TO WASH OFF FULLY )

Created "forest walk" in the classroom
(idk why am i sitting like this ahah)

Alethea
Amazing name
Awesome friend
I dont know what to do without her in class

When there's a perfect stairs for you to take photo,
step #cool abit

Failed birthday surprise but A for effort
There's always this senior who sounds like a mum, constantly worrying about us.
That would be him just that he is very good looking 

the 2 that i first met in rp and amazingly attracted to them

"can take another angle anot"

oh look, we all look so cute here ahahah
(idk who is the girl at the right side of the photo)

STArt camp
before getting fully soaked in cold water 

Cutest SL on the left :')
There's always this senior who is super cute and fun to be around.
That would be  her just that she is super amazing too. 

It;s a thing to take more than 1 shot ahaha

spot my eyes AHAHAH

best team members with the best SLs

#District3 #D3 #wecool

first friend that i get along super well in rp :')

All the memories started with them 

problems

To be honest, I am tired of entertaining you already. It is so sickening trying to entertain all your lame jokes and sarcastic insults. I get the point you are trying to get across to but don't you think whatever you have been saying is a little overboard?  I don't care how good you are or like way much better than me but the fact is that everyone is also humans. And they all have feelings also. Everyone's problems are equally important. It's not like you say "get over it" and someone will just get over it. What rights do you have to judge someone else problems. So what you been there too but everyone is different, whatever you think is small can be big for someone else. I don't know what you have been through before but that doesn't gives you the right to think everything I faced are small problems while yours are the bigger problems. Don't think that only you have problems that are important while the others are just pathetic.

Once before

Little did I know that I am the only one left holding onto this friendship.
Little did I know that I was already replaced by someone else.
Little did I know that I don't matter to you anymore.
Little did I know that all I was to you is only the name "bestfriend"


" I'll be there for you "
" You will always be my bestfriend "
" No matter what happens, you are the most important "
" To me, you are worth the time "
" I'll never leave you "
" I love you "

The sweetest lies 

Everything you said was never the truth.

Everything you did only brought me pain and sufferings.

Everything about you brings torture to me. 

I am sorry but I am giving up on this friendship right now. 

A friendship that meant so much to me.

A friendship that I am willing to sacrifice things for.

A friendship that I cherish so much.

A friendship that I gave up a lot of things for. 

A friendship that we had once before. 

Enough?

Why is it that everything I do never seem to be good enough? 

Why is it that whatever I do never seem to please you?

Why is it that my existence never seem to be of any importance?

Why is it that I am never good enough for you? 

I tried my best to do everything that I can 

Just to simply please you,

Get your attention and 

At least be good enough for you. 

The pain and suffering you made me go through 

Just for you alone

Never seem to be enough for you 

To know that I cared about you

The torture and scars you gave me 

Just for you alone

Never seem to be enough for you

To know that I loved you

When will i ever be good enough for you in your eyes?

First yet the last

I wanna be the first one who can make you smile when you are upset.
I wanna be the first one who will stay be your side when you need someone.
I wanna be the first one you find when you have problem.
I wanna be the first one you cry onto when you need a shoulder.
I wanna be the first one to know whatever happens to you that makes you sad.
I wanna be the first one you text when something make you happy.
I wanna be the first one you call up when you are in trouble.
I wanna be the first one and also the last one you love.

But it have never seem to be this way.

I am always the last person who can try to cheer you up.
I am always the last person there for you.
I am always the last person you find when you have problem.
I am always the last person you cry onto when you need a shoulder.
I am always the last person to know something happened to you.
I am always the last person you will text
I am always the last person you will call up.
I am never the first and last you love.

.

:)

Hi
If you're reading this, I hope that by the end of this blog post, you will feel better (if your day was shit) or happier (if you are down)

This is to people who thinks they are all alone,
I am not going to tell you that things will get better and stuffs. The actual fact is that I don't know if things are actually going to be better but something I know for sure is that no matter what happens, if I can, I will be there for you. The truth is that life isn't going to be easy, mainly just shitty and fucked up. But I just want to say that, when you have trouble, maybe I can't solve it for you but I promised that I will be there and not let you face it alone.

This is to people who are insecure as fuck,
Trust me. Everyone is. It is just the extent of insecurity. You think that you are not good enough? You think that you are not handsome/pretty/cute? You think that you don't fit in with anyone? You think that like the whole world is judging you? But hey, what is the point of mentally torturing yourself? Look, I can't tell you how much that you are going to mean to me and your looks does not matter.  And the fact that you are insecure is normally due to some past trauma or experience. Ok just fuck that shit and remember that it is all in the past. You are not born to please people nor are you born to make your own life miserable. You are who you are. No matter what people say, I will still love you for who you are. (ok fine if i don't know you but we still can be friends whether real life or virtually.  But if i do know you, no matter what, I will stay and also love you for who you are no matter how you look like)

This is to people who have mental illness/disorders,
Hey, I been in your shoes before. And currently, I am trying to recover from it. I know it is not easy and it is rather suffocating and mentally/physically exhausting, just trying to keep yourself alive. But hey, you are worth it. You are more than what you are right now. You have the rights to happiness, love and also care from others. Don't push yourself over the edge or build a wall against the people who truly care for you because at the end of the day, you will be the one who regrets about it. Don't ever feel bad for something you did out of your love/passion/interest and somehow it did not make everyone happy. Nobody have the rights to bring you down. I know you will say that you are used to all this shit but no, to a certain extent, you still feel the hurt and pain given by others to you. My dear, even if we have never met each other before, even if you don't know my existence, even if we are just strangers, I still care. You still do matter to me. I never want to lose anyone else to mental illness again so hang on and stay strong. I love you.

Addiction

I hate what i have become.

I push people away,
because i feel like i'm not good enough,
for the happiness that they bring.

I hate that even on my best days,
I miss dragging a blade across my skin.

I hate that I hate my scars,
but I want to create more.

I hate lying to all the people i love about
what I'm doing to myself.

I hate crying and screaming
when I find out someone has thrown out my blades.

I hate me,
because of my addiction.

Recovery

Recovery never seems to be easy. One moment, you are feeling fine and the next moment, you feel like your whole world is crumbling down. Just as I thought, maybe I could, just maybe last more than 2 months being clean. It never seems to work out for me. Relapse happens again and again. Mental breakdown happens again and again. Trying to be happy yet it seems that I don't deserve it. ' If this carries on, you will only be more scars than skin, steph ' I tried and I am tired. I have no motivation to save myself anymore. All these thoughts are killing me, suffocating me, barely breathing. I am mentally exhausted by all these thoughts 'kill yourself, lie, smile, laugh more, be happy, death' Maybe one day, scissors will be for paper again. Maybe one day razors will be for shaving again. Maybe one day cutting will be arts and craft again. Maybe one day sadness will be temporary.

i wish it didn't hurt
i wish i didn't care
i wish i was happy
i wish i was pretty
i wish i was different
i wish i didn't exist

What a perfectly wasted good, clean wrist. - Disasterology, Pierce the Veil.

Sleep     Coffee
Food      cigarettes
Friends  books
Life        emptiness

" They promised that dreams can come true but forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too"

"Last night i dreamt that somebody loved me. No hope, No harm, If it only was reality. "

STA - RP

To be honest, im so glad that i actually did signed up for STArt camp. I got to know super amazing & nice SLs (student leaders) like Mel, Javier & Luqman. They are really friendly & nice to be around with. And they were the ones that helped all of us to bond together. (that helped me alot for someone who doesnt have a single friend in rp) Mel got the members in the group to talk esp the girls. Luqman helped the group to be hyped up. Javier cared for us 24/7 like never ending, just like a mom. And ofc this wont happen without district 3, diyana, dhash, asheera, yanling, xianning, mc, kaiser, farhan & jiayi. Even thou all of us were awkward with each other at first but now its like... a thing to be around them in sch. & we got to bond with grp 4 & got the circle of friends even bigger.
during FOP, all of us wanted to be in the same team & also get the same SLs but ofc that didnt happened. Thats where i met other SLs (Sheqal, Felicia & Erlynna) & new group of friends. Even thou we were all in different team, somehow or rather, all of us ended up together playing, making jokes & eating. i have to admit that im really grateful to all the SLs & Club G for preparing the STArt camp, i think without them, i wouldnt enjoy FOP that much & also regretting coming to RP.
(RP wasnt my first few choice tbh & like i was worried that i couldnt fit in well or like get along with my classmates or even enjoy going school. I was upset when i know that the next 3 years i am gonna spend in RP when i recieved the results for posting. and instantly hated the fact that all my friends arent gonna be there with me. & the fact that my friends are also telling me not to go rp & i should retake my o's. But right now, i dont think i made a wrong choice. I met all these people that is gonna help me to go through my poly life. and also met few of the coolest & nicest seniors i can ever have.)
ps: i did a small note for my SLs & they said they what did they do to deserve this. Just your existence solely enough to deserve such things. you spent days just to plan camp & run the camp & be there with us & thats more than enough to deserve us :') i wish they can feel more appreciated for their efforts
I really just wanna thank my SLs (D3 - Luqman, Mel & Javier) (FOP TEAM 16 - Sheqal, Erlynna & Felicia) for making the decision of going rp a good one :')

STArt camp'16

Tbh, i wasnt looking forward to camp cause the fact that i have no friends in that sch. And the fact that i am 24/7 awkward. But well, it turns out fine (even thou it was still awkward at first) I think its because of the SLs who have made it fun🎉 and thankfully, i made new friends :) camp was fun, enjoyable, awesome and also a good platform to make new friends before sch starts and also FOP starts😂 thanks district 3 & also the 3 SLs (javier, mel & luqman) for making it fun 👌🙆

Bestfriend?

I think im quite blessed to have bestfriend like him around me. For someone like me who is insecure 24/7 and overthinks alot, it isnt easy for me to maintain friendship. Yet this idiot stayed by my side for 2 years and maybe so on. He definitely suffered a lot just being my bestfriend, having to tolerate my mood swings, sudden breakdowns out of nowhere and insecurity of mine. I am not sure if he know how much i apperciate his efforts and love his existence in my life but he is definitely someone who is important to me. He is someone who have listen to all my problems and stories and stayed by me. He is someone who have been there for me most of the times especially if i needed him. He is someone who will make himself look silly or be a retarded just to make me laugh. He is someone who constantly reassure all my insecurities. He is someone who have constantly gave me care and concern. He is someone who actually accepted who i really am. He is someone who has seen my worst and my best. He is someone i know that will never ever do anything to harm me. And he is the one i am proud to call my own bestfriend 😊