" If "

This week was horrible. I spent both weekends at home, without even stepping out of the house a single step. I felt so empty and upset but I didn't know why too. And because of that, I fought with 2 of my bestfriends and I didn't know what to do too. I was so screwed up with everything. I had so much on my plate that was going on and this week was exam week. There was just so much on my mind and I had no idea who to talk to all about. I was just so messed up inside and out. I was just in the mood in between where I want to talk to someone and I don't want to talk at all. I just felt empty and sad the past few days without reason and I hate it too. Well who knew the person I ended up opening to was someone who used to be my bestfriend and the person I hated the most. Like I told him I didn't know what's wrong with me, he just told me to talk, anything is fine, just talk to him. And well I found something out that had been haunting me since sec sch days due to him but still I was thankful that he was there for me when all of this happened.

And today, as I was talking about everything to my partner in SHATEC. I told her this "if i could..." and she replied me "if" "all the ifs" then this reminded me that so many ifs but time doesn't rewind so they are nothing but just part of your regrets. 

If I could have control my own temper, I wouldn't get into so many meaningless fights.
If I could stop swearing, I wouldn't get into so many troubles for that.
If I could stop smoking, I wouldn't start up a argument with my bestfriend.
If I could stop self-harming, I wouldn't make my bestfriend worry so much.

If I could be a little more easy-going, I wouldn't have kept everything to myself till I feel so suffocated.
If I could stop overthinking, I wouldn't become so pessimistic.
If I could be a little more positive, I don't think any of this would even start.

If I could be a little more happy, I won't take thing so negatively. 

If I could remain sane,  I wouldn't go insane while trying to keep my sanity.
If I choose my words carefully, things wouldn't ended up this way. 

If I was a little more smart, I could have gotten into a better poly and not regret all my decisions. 

If I wasn't born in this family, I wouldn't have become the person I am right now.
If I didn't ruin the relationship between my family and I, things would be so much better.
If I didn't screw up myself, maybe I wouldn't end up to this state.
If I wasn't that fucked up, I wouldn't get into argument with both of my most important people in my life.

If I wasn't their bestfriends, they wouldn't have to suffer so much.

If I didn't exist, all of this wouldn't happen. 

All the Ifs I could think of for now, but with all these of Ifs, there were so much pain and regrets behind it. And the more I think, the more tough it becomes for me to handle. 

one of those days

It's one of those days when you just feel extra empty and just sad over nothing. I don't often have those days but right now I seem to have it every week. I feel so frustrated one moment then the other upset then the other empty. Nothing is wrong is just that I feel the unnecessary sadness that is so overwhelming right now.

I don't even know about myself too.

I want to talk to people but yet I don't want to.
I want to go out but yet I don't want to.
I don't even know what I want too.

But one thing for sure is that I miss you so much that I can't seem to do anything right anymore.
I miss you so much that it is affecting my daily life.
I miss you so much that it's killing me inside.
I miss you so much that it hurts.

I stopped texting.
You stopped caring.
I started crying.
You started ignoring.
In the end, I was the only one who think of our friendship so highly when you don't even think our friendship as anything.

Then again, I can't blame you if you don't take our friendship of any importance because who would really choose a daisy, in a field of roses? It just sucks because even if I try so fucking hard, nothing I do ever seems to be enough for anyone, not even for my damn self.

I wish it didn't hurt.
I wish I didn't care.
I wish it didn't matter.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I was pretty.
I wish I had money.
I wish I could sleep at night.
I wish I enjoyed my life.
I wish you were here.
I wish you meant it.
I wish I was different.
I wish I lived somewhere else.
I wish I didn't exist.

just a thought

I took a long bus ride home today. What I saw today, reminded me about my past.

So I sat right in front of this guy whose clique sat on the other side of the bus. He sat alone and kept quiet throughout the bus ride while his friend all talked loudly. I saw his reflection from the window itself and he seem to look so broken as he stared outside. His so called "friends" asked if he was alright and he seem so forced to smile and replied he was just "tired". But the moment he turned away and looked outside, his smile slowly fades into nothingness Then they reached their stop and alighted. I looked as he exited the bus last and how his "friends" walked off first without him and just continue chattering among themselves. He seem so out of place when they walked off together.

This reminded me of myself in the past. Like how I felt I was out of place with every different bunch of people that I hang out with. And I thought to myself, just how much this society have shape us into each of our character. Some of us turned heartless because of the sufferings we went through. However some of us remain kind because you never want anyone feel the same way as you. Every single person that appeared in your life either serve as a lesson or is a blessing to you. But no matter which group they belong to, their words and action actually changes you in some way or another. Whether you swear a lot or you don't ; Whether you become a extrovert or a introvert ; Whether you become your true self or it was all just a fake act.

Maybe whatever I said here, you may not agree. But this is just my thinking, my perspective, a thought.