" If "

This week was horrible. I spent both weekends at home, without even stepping out of the house a single step. I felt so empty and upset but I didn't know why too. And because of that, I fought with 2 of my bestfriends and I didn't know what to do too. I was so screwed up with everything. I had so much on my plate that was going on and this week was exam week. There was just so much on my mind and I had no idea who to talk to all about. I was just so messed up inside and out. I was just in the mood in between where I want to talk to someone and I don't want to talk at all. I just felt empty and sad the past few days without reason and I hate it too. Well who knew the person I ended up opening to was someone who used to be my bestfriend and the person I hated the most. Like I told him I didn't know what's wrong with me, he just told me to talk, anything is fine, just talk to him. And well I found something out that had been haunting me since sec sch days due to him but still I was thankful that he was there for me when all of this happened.

And today, as I was talking about everything to my partner in SHATEC. I told her this "if i could..." and she replied me "if" "all the ifs" then this reminded me that so many ifs but time doesn't rewind so they are nothing but just part of your regrets. 

If I could have control my own temper, I wouldn't get into so many meaningless fights.
If I could stop swearing, I wouldn't get into so many troubles for that.
If I could stop smoking, I wouldn't start up a argument with my bestfriend.
If I could stop self-harming, I wouldn't make my bestfriend worry so much.

If I could be a little more easy-going, I wouldn't have kept everything to myself till I feel so suffocated.
If I could stop overthinking, I wouldn't become so pessimistic.
If I could be a little more positive, I don't think any of this would even start.

If I could be a little more happy, I won't take thing so negatively. 

If I could remain sane,  I wouldn't go insane while trying to keep my sanity.
If I choose my words carefully, things wouldn't ended up this way. 

If I was a little more smart, I could have gotten into a better poly and not regret all my decisions. 

If I wasn't born in this family, I wouldn't have become the person I am right now.
If I didn't ruin the relationship between my family and I, things would be so much better.
If I didn't screw up myself, maybe I wouldn't end up to this state.
If I wasn't that fucked up, I wouldn't get into argument with both of my most important people in my life.

If I wasn't their bestfriends, they wouldn't have to suffer so much.

If I didn't exist, all of this wouldn't happen. 

All the Ifs I could think of for now, but with all these of Ifs, there were so much pain and regrets behind it. And the more I think, the more tough it becomes for me to handle.