Cycle

I  have no idea what am i doing with myself. I thought...maybe finally i'll get better and recover..but no. I am back to day 0 again. Why is it that whatever i do never seems to be good enough for others? Why is that i always screw up friendship and then have mental breakdown? Why is that i cant be truthful to others about who i am? It seems like once i showed my true self to someone, that someone who is closer to me than anyone even my family, that someone who i know i can trust and just be at ease around them, they will leave. Leave me hanging there alone. And then someone will come in my life again and this whole cycle repeats again. I am just so tired with myself and with everything. Maybe i wasnt meant for life. Maybe i shouldnt have even existed...

worst kind of person

i am probably the worst kind of person alive. he didnt do anything but yet took the blame from me. and till now, everytime when theres something that reminds me of it, i will bring it up to him again. and in the end, making him feel gulity. I feel bad for mentioning it to him but everytime i remember about it, the mental breakdown was real and bad. No matter how much i want to try to forget about it, my surroundings will remind me constantly. Even if it doesnt, flashbacks will. And when all this comes back to me again, old habits will relapse again. Then when they noticed it, they will blame themselves more. This isnt the what i want to see... i want them to be happy even if its without me. I want them to smile even if im suffering. Because they matter so much to me more than i matter.