expectations

I think I try too hard to fulfill people's expectation that it is mentally and physically draining. It sucks up all my energy and yet only gives me pain and suffering. 

For my best friend, as hard as I tried to be in good condition in front of you, I am always at my worst. As much as I don't want you to worry about me, I make you worry even more. As much as I want to be someone you can rely on, I ended up being the one relying on you. I am sorry that I didn't dare to tell you everything because I still want you to be happy and not worrying about me.

For my juniors, I am sorry that I couldn't keep up the image that you guys have. I am probably such a pathetic and a disappointment. Instead of senior helping you, it end up you guys are the one helping me. I am sorry that I didn't tell you anything because I want to keep that perfect image you guys had. 

For my friends, I am sorry I am something that you guys have never expected to be. I am sorry that I am such a person. 

Sometimes, I honestly think if I have enough guts to kill myself and not hurt anyone, I'll probably do it in a heartbeat. I went insane while trying to remain sane. So to be alive, I should die once.