twisted inside

First month into 2018 barely ended and I feel so drained out. Whether it is physically or mentally, I am just drained out. So many things happened within this month shows how much bullshit can happen every single day. Days like this makes me think maybe life is just isn't for everyone.

Recently I went back to somewhere where all the people I love to be with are. While talking about things that had happened, I felt so distant. So distant that like maybe I wasn't meant to be there anymore. Things have changed. They have changed. "You are always part of us" "We are a family" "You're ours" But in the end, I was never part of "that family." It was just me all along who thought we were one. 

Now the place I am at right now is so toxic for myself.  The few of them which were the reasons that I look forward going work everyday seems to be "gone." While talking to me, they mentioned things that happened with someone else and not with me and so on and so forth. Little did I know, I was replaced. Someone else better replaced me. In the end, I was just a unwanted kid who everyone pitied in the first place and gave up after that.

So many things happened and everything seems to just pile up, more heavy and more heavy till I feel so suffocated. It is toxic enough to kill me on the inside. Now I have no idea whatever I am doing actually is right or wrong. I was such a savage asshole but yet there's this bunch that I just met, thinks that I am a good person, somehow cares and loves me and appreciates me so much that it actually hurts. Knowing the bits and parts of the truth about them breaks my heart. They trusted me so much yet the things that I can do to protect them is so little. 

And now, the same old problem that never seems to creased. Maybe I am really twisted in the bottom of my heart. In expectation, I am suppose to care, I am suppose to be hurt, I am suppose to be sad and cry. But in reality, I couldn't even give a single shit about it. I never knew how broken yet how twisted I am till all of this happened. Maybe all along I was the mistake.